Blog.2/ “Be resilient”…
…: but what does it actually mean?
As I write, we are two weeks into the third UK-wide lockdown (now widely dubbed ‘Lockdown 3.0’)
It is also 'Blue Monday', said to be the most depressing day of the year. I’m sure many will be reflecting on how much harder being 'locked down' seems this time around.
Financially for many, it is a third painful hit, but also mentally, with life pleasures, we enjoy removed once again. Those things classified as ‘non-essential’ are often essential to our well-being. What’s more, the ‘survival tactics’ we put in place last time, like venturing out into the fresh air, seem less appealing now with the shorter, colder days and the novelty wearing thin.
Ep.3/
“Be resilient”
And so, I find myself digging again into my personal ‘toolkit’ for the “resilience” people speak of. In tough and testing times I tend to try and draw parallels with other times and ask myself “what works?” But the coronavirus pandemic has been unlike any other time in my life. In ‘normal’ times I am fortunate enough to enjoy the freedom to do the things I want to do (within my means)! Now that freedom is more limited, my toolkit of coping mechanisms feels more limited too.
One of the words people most frequently use to describe me is “resilient”. That is, every day I face difficulties, with my hearing impairment, and have to cope with setbacks.
You must be thinking that I’ve highlighted a rather trivial challenge here. Yet, at the other end of the spectrum - in the workplace - I've faced many more personal and seemingly insurmountable challenges.
I remember vividly one time when, as a management consultant, I attended a workshop with more than 12 clients around a large table. As a relatively junior colleague, I was tasked with absorbing the discussion and taking notes. I am usually an extremely diligent note-taker (fellow students at university borrowed my lecture notes!) yet I sat in the meeting unable to follow the fast-flowing conversation. I was writing a question mark next to almost every sentence I wrote. People were interjecting from opposite ends of the table and I was simply unable to keep up with lip-reading everyone. I couldn't fill in the gaps with any contextual knowledge since the subject matter was new to me.
So, I resolved to stay behind and check my notes with the Director who facilitated the meeting. However, when the meeting ended, he was having a confidential conversation with the client. I left to go home, vowing to follow up with him the next day. En-route home I gulped back the tears and as soon as I’d shut my front door I cried and cried. Am I capable of doing this job? What must the client be thinking of me having to clarify everything afterwards - am I qualified to be on this project? Was I not listening? Why are they paying for me? Should the Director be spending their time helping me fill the gaps? As an analyst eager to make an impression, and in my nature a perfectionist, it was a very tough time.
The driven problem-solver inside me was adamantly undefeated. On my coffee break, I was chatting with the client stakeholder who had been running the project. Swallowing back my nervousness, I told her I wanted to hear everything she and her colleagues had to say, but that I was struggling to catch everything in the large meeting environment. She was truly empathetic. In the next meeting, I arrived to find that she had saved me a seat towards the front where I had the best view to lip-read people in the room. She also made her own notes, so that we could fill in each other’s gaps at the end!
Longer term, I found an even better solution. I now aim to chair meetings, where possible, myself. You’ll likely notice that when you are chairing a meeting, people tend to look at you the most often when they talk. You have control, as Chair, to direct the flow of the conversation, play back key points (so that everyone has heard!) or ask for clarification. If you write things down on a board, people can immediately spot any errors and correct you if necessary. More preparation is required, but this is advantageous and far preferable to filling in the gaps after.
So what is ‘resilience’ then?
Even with examples, it seems an amorphous and often unhelpful word. Lockdown hits and the solution? Resilience. People are put under pressure at work. The solution? Resilience. You are unsuccessful in getting the project role or job you wanted; “be resilient”.
When I’ve asked friends to describe what resilience means to them, words used include “mental fortitude”. This can be equally unhelpful, especially if it implies that it is something you either simply have, or don’t have (then for you, it’s tough luck).
It’s time we demystified what exactly resilience actually means
Checking our expectations is important here. We cannot reasonably expect individuals to show resilience - and be effective in their work - if the system they are working within is unreasonable. My aim here, however, is to break down what resilience means for the individual, because this is something I can help with from my experience and it’s within the control of every one of us.
Resilience for me is about recovering from setbacks. From my experience this breaks down into four key areas;
Creativity
When you face an obstacle, you will eventually need to work out how to overcome it. This invariably requires some creativity.
Since Lockdown 1.0, I’ve experimented (like many of you!) with meeting friends and family virtually on Zoom. We’ve had weekly Friday night get-togethers over a drink with my partner and close friends. We’d set up the laptop in the sitting room and play the sound through the television speakers. However, I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated because the sound wasn’t coming through the speakers clearly. I was missing out on the conversations and constantly having to put us on mute so my partner could repeat what had been said! I felt left out. In an effort to resolve the situation, we explored other options. Turning the sound up (no good - increasing volume didn’t make it any clearer); dialling in from separate rooms (not really ideal since we wanted to spend the time together!); and sharing wired headphones (not advisable when you’re reaching for the wine and he’s going for the crisps...the carpet didn’t thank us!). Questioning the alternatives, I suggested we try wireless headphones. These can be expensive though; that is, if you want separate ear pods, good charge life and compatibility with various devices, and to be able to speak and be heard clearly when wearing them. As it turned out, we had a few weeks where we were able to meet friends in person, and I put off making the decision until the new year.
Low and behold, on Christmas Day just gone, my partner gave me a set of wireless ear pods. He’d done the research himself, wanting to surprise me with something to make my life easier. Now, I’m looking forward to him being in the kitchen topping up the crisps while I sip my wine, and neither of us missing out on the conversation!
How does this relate to be creative?
Indeed, many of us wouldn’t necessarily rush to call ourselves ‘creative’. But I believe the key is being curious. That is, being willing to ask yourself the question “How can I get around this problem, issue, or challenge I’m facing?” Often, there is no single answer. There are options, some easier (and cheaper!) than others, and you pick between them. The more frequently you do this, the more comfortable you will become with asking yourself questions, exploring the options and picking between them. The result is that when you are next challenged, knocked down (or locked down!), you are more resilient.
You will also realise that the more you see and hear (through reading, and learning from and talking to others), the more informed you become. This will help you to find solutions to your questions - when they arise - even more easily.
The reason many of us struggle with creativity is because - if we look closely - we realise that we just aren’t willing to entertain the question “How can I overcome this challenge?”. With my hearing impairment, I often have no choice but to find a way, and so I have had many years of practice. Where there is a will there is a way.
Support
As much as we like to think so, we do not operate alone. I heard recently that asking for help is quite the opposite of giving up; it’s refusing to give up.
My headphones anecdote is a brilliant example. I could have internalised the problem and suffered in silence. I could have come up with the ‘answer’ by myself. But it was a much quicker and probably a better outcome when we found a solution to the problem together. And that’s OK. The outcome - as it turned out - has upsides for both of us. My partner now has his freedom as he isn’t tethered to me by wired headphones!
What’s crucial is that you find support from someone you can trust, who will listen and who won’t judge you. In the past, I’ve missed part of a conversation and rather than repeating it, a friend or colleague has said “don’t worry” or simply moved on. Sometimes in their eyes, the moment has gone and the joke has passed. But it matters to me and the most supportive people will have the patience to fill me in when I’m behind.
The best kind of people will also notice you need support before you have to ask; they anticipate what you need. My best ear for hearing is my left ear, so I will always walk on your right-hand side if I can! I love it when people remember this and they switch over without asking, if they aren’t on my best side. They don’t draw attention to it, because they know it can be embarrassing for me if not handled sensitively or if others don’t know. They have my back, and everyone needs someone like that.
Perspective
It’s so easy, in Lockdown, to think about the things we don’t have, what we miss, and how long things have been going on - nearly a year. Many will have had to change or cancel their Christmas plans at short notice, having not seen family and friends for months. I empathise because I feel frustrated too.
Living with a hearing impairment, perspective has been crucial for me. It would be easy to think “if only...” but ultimately, it’s unhelpful because it doesn’t get me anywhere - it’s not constructive. No matter how much I could wish for it to be another way, it’s not, and for now at least I must work with what I’ve got. Admitting to yourself that is the case can be difficult and, as I found at a young age, tearful.
However, one of my longest standing sources of perspective has been my older brother, who also has a hearing impairment that’s worse than mine. If he takes his hearing aids out, I have to shout and mime a lot for him to understand me. Yet he is my greatest role model. I’ve never seen him complain or wish things to be another way. He doesn’t ever use his hearing as an excuse for failing to achieve something, like the job he wanted, or that promotion. Instead he is hard working, independent and steadfastly loyal. Having such a shining example serves me a regular reminder of the importance of perspective - that others live with a hearing loss too, and worse than mine - and it would be embarrassing to spend time complaining and not looking for solutions as he does.
To benefit from perspective, you need to choose an ‘anchor’ or comparison point that is relevant and meaningful to you. Remember also that having perspective doesn’t just happen. Like other habits, it takes practice. If something like this has never happened before, I find myself looking for a new point of perspective. In Lockdown, I’ve often thought of the First World War, when years were spent missing loved ones. It is poignant for me because of my own family’s personal memories and losses. Choose something that will remind you of how lucky you are.
Control what you can
When things are out of our hands it can make us feel powerless and helpless. What can I do? Well - I ask you “What can you do?” An old boss of mine used to say to me - tell me what you can do, not what you can’t. His message was; it’s all about framing. Focus your brain on finding constructive ways forward, and you’ll likely find them.
I can’t control whether I have a hearing loss but I can control how I respond to it. I can control how I share with people that I have a hearing loss, and the language I use, so that they can best help me. I can control how proactive I am with using my hearing aids and equipment. I can try to anticipate where I’m likely to experience difficulties in advance, so that I can prepare sufficiently. With the current face mask guidelines, I can’t hear very well in shops because I can’t lip-read. So, whenever I go to a coffee shop, I write down my order in advance, so that the barista doesn’t have to ask me lots of questions! It’s a small thing but it reminds me that if you focus on what you can control, you’ll get a better outcome!
In this lockdown, with many of our freedoms removed, and uncertainty over when they will return, you can be resilient by focusing on the things you can control; how you spend the time and resources you have available; how you help and ask for help from others. They may be little things, but done regularly can amount to a big difference in how resilient and self-assured you feel.
In this difficult time, I genuinely believe every one of us can be resilient. If we focus on being creative, seeking support, gaining perspective and controlling what we can, we will bounce back stronger. We can do this. You can do this.
